Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
did i walk over a car last night?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
