oh god the rape fog is back!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
