I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
