i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just had sex on a roof
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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