I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
