two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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