I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
