Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
i think my cat just said my name.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
