i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Two words: blizzard sex
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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