my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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