i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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