god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
