first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
