i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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