My first STD was from a foam party
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
