i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
