if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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