omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
