im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
