i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
