Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
