I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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