I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
