Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My bed smells like the plague
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
