Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
foreskin is a definite game changer
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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