this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
