The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Well I just put wine in my tea
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
