Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
