Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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