Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
