so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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