It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
