i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize