Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
