Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
