Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
