i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
