and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
