Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
