If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
