i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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