Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
