Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
