i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
