fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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