did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
