oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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