I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
