I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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