i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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