can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
