Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
